


Five Hundred Drachmae

by MelodyMayhew



Series: All Bets Are Off [2]
Category: The Old Guard (Comics), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Established Relationship, Flirting, Immortal Husbands Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Incurable Romantics, Insatiable nerds, Joe only has eyes for Nicky, M/M, Nile is confused, References to Joe/Andy, References to Oral Sex, Seriously 1000 years and they still just want to mack on each other, Sexual but not romantic, This family really likes to make bets, but a bets a bet, references to rimming, story time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:28:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25517308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelodyMayhew/pseuds/MelodyMayhew
Summary: Nile gets to know her new family and learns more than she wanted to. Apparently betting is a Thing for these eternal weirdos. And... sometimes sex is part of it.
Relationships: Andy | Andromache of Scythia & Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani & Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Series: All Bets Are Off [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1848640
Comments: 72
Kudos: 1207





	Five Hundred Drachmae

**Author's Note:**

> I am just really into Nile being an endearing dork about immortality, I love her so much.

“Wait, so you’re telling me that you’ve  _ never _ been with anyone else?”

Nile stares at them, shocked.

“ _ Ever? _ ”

Joe and Nicky shake their heads in perfect synchronicity. Joe’s right hand is casually draped over Nicky’s left, rubbing the back of his thumb.

“Never ever  _ ever _ ,” Joe replies with a cheshire-cat grin. Nicky gives the subtlest of smiles, lifts his thumb up to hook over Joe’s.

“I was a priest,” Nicky says.

“And I was saving myself for a good honest wife,” Joe counters.

At the other end of the table, Andy snorts and kicks her boots up with a thump.

“Well, you got one.”

Nicky frowns, genuine. “Hey,” he says, “come on, Andy.”

Joe is staring at her too, his warm eyes squinting under a frown.

Andy blinks once, takes a swig straight from the bottle of Nemiroff. She licks her lips and scrutinizes their expressions.

“Fine,” she sighs. “Sorry.”

Andy holds one hand up, ticking off points as she folds in each finger. “Gender roles are a social construct,” --  _ thumb _ \-- “you have an equal partnership,” --  _ index finger _ \-- “equating femininity with emasculation is bad” --  _ pinky _ \-- “a relationship is more than the institution of marriage” --  _ ring finger _ \-- “and obviously Joe’s the wife.”

  
She swivels the remaining finger and directs it at both of them. They remain stony-faced for a long ten seconds before, as one, they all burst into laughter.

Nile’s jaw drops. “What the fuck.”

Joe settles back in his chair and wipes one tear, his face crinkled endearingly at the eyes. “We’ve been making her read Queer Feminist Theory since ‘63.”

He leans one shoulder into Nicky’s. “I am the wife, though.”

Nicky exhales through his nose. This is clearly a discussion they’ve had often. “You are my  _ equal _ , Yusuf.”

“Obviously,” Joe replies. The way his eyes shine at the usage of his true name doesn't go unnoticed. “Are you saying men and women aren’t equal, habibi?”

“I am saying that -- as you would too -- we are beyond the word ‘husband’.  _ Or _ ‘wife.’”

Joe tugs at Nicky’s hand with his index finger, scooting it closer to him so he can pull it up to his mouth.

“Then why,” Joe murmurs, his words brushing over Nicky’s knuckles, “did you propose to me three hundred and seventy two times?”  
  


  
Nicky is equally game. He leans in, matching Joe’s tone. “Why did you say yes three hundred and seventy two times?”

Joe’s eyes are wet. He looks lost and found all at once.

“Because it was the right answer.”

Andy makes an exaggerated vomiting sound. Joe and Nicky ignore her, holding their gaze, refusing or perhaps unable to look away.

Nile looks at Andy. “Are they alwa--”

“Yes.”

Nicky closes the distance and kisses Joe once, quick and gentle. Joe hums and brushes their noses together.

“You know we’re still here right?” Nile crosses her arms, trying to look unimpressed. It’s difficult. They really are adorable.

“Of course they know,” Andy says, but there’s no bite to it. “They just don’t care.”

Nicky and Joe break from their eye-fucking to look at Andy. Their movements are so completely synchronous it’s hard to believe they don’t rehearse this.

“They’ve been all over each other for almost a thousand years and there’s no stopping it,” Andy says to Nile, “buckle up, kid.”

Nile whistles. “I can’t imagine that. I can’t even -- don’t you ever get bored?”

Joe laughs sharply, Nicky’s eyes lose their warm shine.

“What is there to be bored of?” Nicky’s voice is careful, but beneath it something simmers. “I have had endless time to explore everything about him. His body, his mind, his heart. To have a love for this long, it is a gift. Every day there is something new.”

  
“Inguaribili romantico,” Joe whispers, and kisses him again. He breaks it quickly to look at Nile, excitement apparent.

“See! Sometimes  _ he _ does the speech!”

Nile rolls her eyes. Maybe she will get it one day. She hopes she will. But for now, the thought of a love that long and vast sounds terrifying.

“It’s not that scary,” Nicky says easily, reading her like a book.

“It’s like a warm blanket,” Joe adds, leaning into the arm Nicky has draped around his shoulder. “One that you’ve loved for centuries.”

“And really no one else?” Nile prods. “Like, not even for fun?”

In lieu of a reply, the two men just snort lightly, as though Nile is a precocious three year old who just asked if rocks grow on trees.

“No,” they say together.

“Well…” Andy butts in.

“Nuh-uh, boss,” Joe is already protesting whatever Andy’s about to say. “That was a--”

“Joe ate me out once,” Andy says with glee.

“It was a bet!” Joe finishes, still tucked under Nicky’s arm. He waves his free hand in a clear dismissal. “Nothing sexual.”

Nicky nods in easy agreement. “Yeah, boss. That doesn’t count.”

Andy concedes with a nod. She grabs the Nemiroff by the neck and takes another swig. “Fair enough,” she says. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, and that appears to be that.

Nile is having none of this.

“Hold up.” She points between Joe and Andy. “You, and--- you--,” she drops her voice to a scandalized whisper. “ _ you had sex? _ ”

Joe shakes his head. “No, I ate her out.”

As if the difference between the two is obvious.

Nicky takes the proverbial wheel. His fingers are idly stroking through Joe’s hair like they aren’t casually discussing his partner’s mouth on someone else.

“Andy bet that Joe could not get a woman off--”

“Specifically her,” Joe chimes in.

“Specifically her,” Nicky continues. “You see, he was boasting that he could, erm--”

“Eat you out,” Joe says with gusto.

Nicky flushes endearingly. “Yes. that. He boasted that he could do that to me and make me, eh, finish. Without,” Nicky gestures awkwardly, “without touching anything else.”

Joe leans forward out of Nicky’s embrace, elbows on the table. He’s into the story now.

“And I  _ can _ .” He looks incredibly pleased with himself.

Nile looks to Nicky for confirmation. He is still blushing. He is easy to talk to, an open book, but this kind of frank sexual honesty about  _ himself _ is not necessarily his style. But still, he smiles, with just a hint of wickedness behind it.

“He can,” Nicky says, and clearly the memory is vivid in his mind because his face is now almost scarlet.

Joe picks up the story as it’s getting juicy. “So, I’m telling this to Andy and she is just insistent that it’s not possible. And I ask her, you come from someone’s mouth on you all the time, why not him? And she says--”  
  
  
“Are you really that good?” Andy’s eyes are dark and fiery as she relives the challenge.

“And Joe says ‘yes’,” Nicky finishes, “because he is.”

Joe looks back at him and winks.

Andy swings her boots back down and plants the bottle on the table. They’re all in full storytime mode now. Nile finds herself hoping she gets to be on the inside of one of these some day.

“So I bet him five hundred drachmae that he wasn’t good enough to get me off.” She smiles at Nicky. “I mean, I asked  _ him _ first.”

Nile gapes at Nicky. “You were okay with this?”

Nicky shrugs, nothing but casualness. “A bet’s a bet. Besides, it wasn’t sexual.”

“How can  _ eating someone out _ not be sexual?” Nile exclaims.

“Because it was a bet!” The three of them protest in unison.

Nile slides her hands down the table and lets her head thump there.

“I swear to whatever God is, I will never understand you weirdos.”

“Aww,” Joe reaches across the table to squeeze her shoulder, “you called us weirdos, I’m touched.”

“She’s learning,” Andy says with a grin. She plants the vodka on the table next to Nile’s hand. Nile wraps her hand around it without looking.

“Fine,” she says, not quite sure what she’s agreeing to. She sits back up and takes a sip from the bottle, then points it at the two of them.

“But I’m not letting either of you eat me out. Ever.”

Nicky goes very pale. Joe looks like he might be suddenly ill.

“Nile,” Nicky says, “you’re like our  _ daughter _ !”

Joe is, for once, without words. He gestures at Nicky with a thumb and nods in mute agreement. Nile is again completely flummoxed.

“Guys, I appreciate that, but I’m like three years younger than you.”

“Don’t ruin this for them. They’ve wanted kids for centuries.” Andy reaches across the table to squeeze both their hands. “Mazel.”

“Your maths is terrible,” Nicky says. “We may  _ look _ a few years older but we are not frozen in time. I am no more thirty than you are twenty-seven anymore.”

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Joe adds sagely.

Nile takes a bigger swig from the bottle. “I give up.”

They lapse into comfortable silence, before something tugs at Nile’s memory.

“Wait,” she says, “who won the bet?”

The silence persists. Joe looks at Nicky, who is looking at Andy, who refuses to look at either of them.

“Andy,” Nile asks carefully, though she already knows the answer. “Who won the bet?”

“Joe did,” she admits, her voice quieter than a churchmouse.

“I’m sorry, Joe says with absolute shameless pride, “I didn’t quite hear that.”

He cups a hand to his ear, and it’s Nicky’s turn to roll his eyes.

“Joe won the bet,” Andy says a little louder. Her eyes, which have been staring at the table, flick up to Nile’s, “He… he  _ really _ won the bet.”

Joe folds his arms behind his head with a lopsided smirk.

“I’m just that good.”

Nicky, soft and fond like he isn’t talking about Joe’s ability to rim him until he goes blind, pats Joe’s thigh.

“He really is.”

Under the table, outside of Nile’s vision but just inside Andy’s -- she’s seen this too many times to count that it doesn’t matter -- Nicky’s fingers slide to Joe’s inner thigh. He squeezes, just a little, and Joe hitches a breath.

Nicky’s voice is all honey and smoke as he stares at Joe. “But never forget, that _ so am I _.”

Nile watches as Joe’s face melts into a cocktail of need, want, and devotion.

“You are,” he murmurs, invading Nicky’s space again to kiss him -- this time, deeper and far less gentle. Nile finds she cannot look away as Nicky slips out his tongue to tease against Joe’s upper lip.

“Wow,” she says, unable not to.

“Yep,” Andy agrees. “We should probably give them some space now.”

Nile scrunches her nose. “Shouldn’t they give us some space? What are they gonna do, fuck on the kitchen table?”

Andy just raises an eyebrow. Joe’s hands are already fussing at the buttons of Nicky’s shirt.

“Like I said, they don’t care. You wanna watch, that’s on you.”

She gets up from the table and grabs the bottle as well as two finger-smudged glasses sitting on the countertop.

“But it gets boring after the first two hundred times.”

Andy hooks a hand under Nile’s arm and hoists her out of her chair. Nile is still staring. She feels hotness prickle under her skin, she can’t look away. It’s not just the kissing -- gone wet and messy, peppered with guttural moans, which yeah is really hot, but -- it’s that these two men, after literal centuries together, still want each other so fiercely, so entirely that the rest of the world just ceases to exist.

“And that’s the secret,” Andy tells her, dragging her out of the kitchen.

“They never get bored.”

**Author's Note:**

> Really, they never do.
> 
> Also, Booker was very disappointed when he tried to make the same bet with Nicky and he said no.
> 
> Find me on tumblr @destatihayati


End file.
